Examinations of the unseen

Am I real? Am I a son of God or a worker of iniquity? Do I proclaim the name of Jesus Christ yet spit in his face? Do I deny his name yet speak of it wherever I go? Why do I feel so unsure of myself? Like a lier teaching the children. My tongue curling up and spitting works of despair among the innocent. I say I am a Christian, yet I swear, curse, and do imoral acts as the world does. What if it's all an illusion. What if all my hungers for Christ result in my rebuking on the other side. What if all the things I've done to draw nearer to him mean absolutley nothing in my judgement? The word of God says to examine ourselves. To see chinks in the armor and exploit them. See if they're real. And only when you have been tested will you know you truly are a son of God. As I write this my Bible has been seperated from me. I recently left it at someones house. And although I feel terribly disconnected from my inner soul I continue to study the word. In this words of the poem by John Piper; 

See him in his pen. 

Written line and then. 

Better thought preferred. 

Deep from in the Word.