Numb Introduction

I didn't want to be there,
As a child with no serious intents funerals seemed uninteresting. Spider man got me excited, black clothes and mourning did not. And neither was the thought of staying 4 hours listening to a old guy talk. I was already set to leave in a few minutes to my friends house, so all I did was walk around a bit. The woman had died of pancreatic cancer and I had known her my entire life, and being the pastors wife she always talked to my family on a personal level. She sang songs and taught them to kids. She cared for my mom when my grandmother was so far away. The one thing I could not picture her do was die.

The moment me and my sister walked into the church she saw the body in the front as clear as day. My glasses were broken and therefore everything I saw was blurry. No matter how hard I squinted I could not see the casket at the front of the church. When the body caught my sisters eye she gasped for air. My mother asked her if she was ok and she said yes. But even though the thought of death dismayed her my sister she continued to try to find a better view.

I tend to remember my life in little bits and pieces. And more often then not those pieces like to connect each other like pins on a map. This piece in my life is memorable simply because of it's connection into the topic of my biggest fear; death.

I don't know why I fear death. Maybe it's the overwhelming sense of non existence, or your loved that stay behind on the trail of time. Or maybe it was the fear of losing all senses. To not feel,see, or know anything unless it is told to you. But when no one is willing to speak to you then you have no choice but to talk to yourself.

That is how I felt. Shivering in "holy" water after baptism as I waited for an over whelming sense of emotion. Watching plays about the crucifixion and forcing a tear to fall out of my 9 year old face. Laying my back on the rough hot gravel and waiting to hear Gods audible voice. I wanted to feel. I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall on my knees just like everyone else in that crowded church but I couldn't. For my knees were numb with death.

This is the story of a pastors child. How my deepest fears became by surest ground, and how the most precious message in all of history broke the encrustacions of my hardened heart and showed me things I never thought the human eye could see.